A Guide to Vulnerability in Helping Professions
What happens when a helper needs help? When we talk about the helping professions, we’re talking about those that nurture the growth of or address the problems of a person's physical, psychological, intellectual, or emotional well-being. So doctors, nurses, first responders, therapists, social workers, caregivers, hospice and home support staff, teachers, child care workers and more - all these professions have an added aspect to the primary role they serve: compassion. Compassion of course is often associated with the rewards that come with helping others, but few outside of the profession recognize the flip side of the compassion coin - the physical and emotional drain. And when we become overwhelmed it causes fatigue. This is commonly referred to as compassion fatigue, empathy fatigue, burn out, or vicarious trauma.
I encourage you to see the value of everyone in the helping profession. Anyone who has had a helper get them through a difficult time can see this is true. My hope with this post is that we’re all given an opportunity to overcome the difficulties that expose vulnerability, allowing you to continue to bring this compassion to your profession and this world.
The Fear of Showing Emotion
When you’re the voice of reason, the person who others rely on for advice, or the one who everyone leans on - how do you ask others to stop because you have your own stuff going on? How do you ask them to start helping you instead? Or, how do you decide that your support network just isn’t enough and start to seek professional help?
It’s very common for those in the helping profession to worry about seeking personal support. Many hesitate due to the fact that they are likely to see this helper in the work place at some point in the future. I strongly recommend you to shift your thinking on this. Think about this for a moment: what if no one saw or treated you differently for getting help when you were struggling? It was an eye opening moment early in my career when I, as a therapist, chose to omit that an appointment I had was in fact my own therapy session so no one would know that I was seeking support for burn out. I believe that the effort to be more open about therapy is an active part of reducing the stigma of seeking help for mental health. It’s useful to let people know you’re thinking about getting help, and also what you’re learning while getting that help.
The Fear of Sharing Emotions in the Work Place
Numerous companies are all too focused on their bottom line, and many conversations with your supervisor may lean more toward performance outcomes than personal experiences. It’s a delicate choice in what to share with those who write your checks and how to have a productive discussion about mental health related issues that may be negatively affecting your work performance. How do you strike the balance of coping with suffering and the need to work? Emotional distress can affect work relationships making a difficult situation more complicated.
I am a strong proponent of, and advocate for workplaces to be, a safe place for the vulnerability of helpers. But accepting the reality that most of the time this simply isn’t the case, let’s instead focus on safe times to share vulnerabilities. I urge you to lean on the coworkers who have always supported you, and ask for help. I encourage you to respectfully share your emotional limits with your supervisor, while ensuring that you only share only the details with which you feel comfortable. And, I recommend you to be wary of those who may use this vulnerability to harm your personal or professional reputation. Unfortunately, sometimes not sharing vulnerability in a public place can benefit you - but this shouldn’t deprive you of a safe environment where you can express your vulnerability.
Setting Boundaries: Leaving Work at Work
When your job is based on making connections with others, it can be hard to let go of that connection when you’re apart. ‘Taking your work home’ is a common struggle with helpers. When your work can be life or death, there are times when you leave your shift unsure what will happen to someone you are working with.
I advise my clients to set boundaries within your mind and mouth when not in the workplace. Practice focusing on the “Here and Now” which is a way to re-center your thoughts and discussions on things currently going on, to avoid negative thinking. Practice thought stopping and distraction, but ultimately the goal as a helper is to let go of the guilt. Learn to accept that even though you may do everything in your power to help, the outcome may still be out of your control. And although processing your day can be useful, leave those thoughts and discussions for work.
When to Say When: Helping Yourself
So, how do you know when it’s time to seek out professional help to assist with feeling better? Well, the answer is different for each helper. Some people gauge this decision by the frequency of bad days - how many days a week you suffer - and how long you have been suffering for.
Has your life become unmanageable? Have you been self-medicating? Has anyone in your life suggested you get help? Be open to creating a limit to your struggles that shows you it’s time to get help.
I encourage you to seek help when you reach that limit. We often forget that the intrinsic benefit we get from others when we help them is something that we can give when we allow others to help us. The helping relationship cannot exist without two participants and we need you. Take the time to research therapists in your area, or online (#shamelessplug), and read articles about different types of modalities of therapy. Remember, if you are able to be a part of the therapeutic relationship, you can continue to succeed at your helping relationships and we can build a livelihood. This is what brings growth in the world as well as each other.
About The Author
Hollie O’Keefe is the founder and lead counselor at Where You Are Counseling. She specializes in college students, care givers, complex illnesses, and major life changes. In addition, Hollie has over a decade of experience in emotional struggles such as anxiety, depression, trauma, loss of motivation, burn out, and apathy. If you are interested in working with Hollie, please contact us at (609) 801-2939 or request a free consultation.